Sentencing

We prepared ourselves the best we could in the month between the plea deal and the sentencing.  It was assumed by Nathan's lawyer that he would be sentenced to just time served.  The original charge carried up to 50 years in prison.  The plea charge carried 0-5 years in prison.  Nathan had already served 7 months.  In true Doug Warner fashion, the county attorney here in Scotts Bluff County failed to get me a victim's impact statement.  I had to repeatedly call his office to ask for it.  He finally had his office drop it by my house the Monday before sentencing.  I returned it to the courthouse on Tuesday.  His office called THURSDAY to see if they could pick up my statement.  I told them I was proactive and had already returned it, assumed they would have it.  No one from their office told me when or where to be for sentencing.  Nathan gave me that information.  And the time he had was wrong.  Thankfully, it was earlier than the actual time.  The sentencing was hard.  I had to sit and listen to Nathan's attorney say what a hard spot everyone else put Nathan in and it was a lot to ask of the man to care for infant twins.  No one forced Nathan to do it.  He was a fully participating party to the decisions that brought our family to Nebraska and left me working and him as a stay at home parent.  He had my mom over her 3, 4 maybe even 5 times a week helping.  I was helping with night feedings and took over completely on weekends and after work.  It was hard to hear the excuses from his attorney.  There is NO excuse for traumatically injuring a defenseless infant. 

Nathan was sentenced to just 5 years intensive probation which includes no unsupervised contact with Darius and Brenner.  The judge said his reasoning was that a max sentence of 5 years jail time would leave him in jail (supervised by the state) for 2 years.  Probation would allow the state to supervise him for 5 years.  I see the logic in it.  But it all just seems like a great miscarriage of justice for Brenner. 

I want people to look away from the sentencing.  Let that go.  That is a different fight and one I intend to help with once I have secured a life for me and my boys.  Focus on Brenner.  Focus on every child that has been injured at the hands of a parent and is fighting every day.  They are heroes.  They deserve our love and support, not our hate and anger directed to their offenders.  Fight the fight for the children effected by child abuse.  But please remember to do it with the love, respect and honor that these children show every day as they fight the good fight!

Summer

Summer was a crazy time for the 7 of us.  Yep- 7.  Brenner and Darius' half brothers were here for the summer.  They got to see some of the sites and swim in the local pools.  It kept us all really busy, especially Mom!  Time passed fast enough though, and they were soon back in Utah.  The end of the summer had a huge surprise for us.  Brenner and Darius' dad made a plea deal.  No one called to speak with us first. The Scotts Bluff County Attorney, Doug Warner, has a proven record of not standing up for abused children.  And that seemed to hold true in our case.  Without even talking to me to see how Brenner was, he allowed Nathan to plea to Intentional Child Abuse WITHOUT Serious Injury.  It was devastating to all of us.  But our fight wouldn't end there.

The Miracle Continues

Brenner had another round of follow-up appointments this week at The Children's Hospital in Aurora, Colorado.  He had an MRI.  It showed that the fluid spaces in his brain had emptied out and his brain is normal again.  Neurosurgery is really happy with his progress and the functioning of his shunts.  Neurology is ecstatic about his development and the fact that he has never had a single seizure.  Ophthalmology gave us the news we have been waiting for.  The blood in his eyes is finally gone!  He still has excess fluid in his left eye.  This makes it hard to see what, if any, damage was done to the macula.  There is some worry that because the left eye was more traumatized than the right that it may not work as well and Brenner may develop amblyopia.  We are supposed to patch his right eye for an hour every day to force his left eye to work hard and stay active.  All in all, it was great news all around.  We have follow ups in a month with ophthalmology and in 3 months with neurosurgery and neurology.  We have been so greatly and truly blessed!

Following up after the follow-ups...

Sorry there aren't any pictures.  Grandma and Grandpa graciously took Brenner (and Darius, of course) to his follow-up appointments at The Children's Hospital in Colorado so I could go to work today and continue to make an income to support this crazy little family.  So I don't have any pictures.  In fact, Grandma, Grandpa and BrennIus are still on their way home from Colorado.  I just spoke to my mom on the phone earlier today and got the update and so I am passing it on to all of you.

First, the ophthalmologist-  Brenner still has blood in his eyes.  That is the less than happy news.  The good news is that there are no longer big clots or large pools of blood.  So it would seem that the situation is resolving itself, even though it is taking a lot longer than they typically see in kids with this situation.  Surgery poses risks, some of which could effect the vision, so the plan is to continue to wait and see.  I am getting really sick of hearing that.  But I am determined to take the good out of that and go with it.

Next, neurosurgery- The expectation after shunts are placed is that the head circumference measurement will level out, stop jump up.  Brenner's fell back down into the curve it had previously been on.  So the results were better than expected.  However, the faster than normal evacuation of fluid from his head has caused the bones of his skull to somewhat collapse together and overlap.  There are situations in which this also can cause problems.  Thankfully, Brenner's surgeon doesn't seem to think that Brenner will have any of those problems.  He also thinks that the rapid brain growth in babies this age may help to push the bones back into place and reshape his head.  But he thinks that Brenner's head will always be at least a little misshapen.

We just continue on day after day, always realizing that the good things are amazing blessings. 

April 2

So... I'm a little behind.  Can you blame me?  Grandma and Grandpa graciously took Brenner back to The Children's Hospital in Colorado for me on April 2nd to have his eyes checked again.  Dr. Braverman felt like the clots in his eyes remaining from the hemorrhaging were getting smaller.  She didn't want to refer us for surgery, so we wait.  Brenner has to see his neurosurgeon on April 23rd, so we tried to get an appointment for our opthamology recheck then.  They were less than helpful in arranging that, but after some pressure, I finally got it worked out.  So our next check ups will be the end of this month- hoping for more good news.

And then the stuff really hit the fan...

Brenner had an EEG which was normal (YAY!!!!).  His neurologist said we could wean him off his seizure med (YAY!!!!!!).  He was concerned about the big increase in Brenner's head size.  He said to see what neurosurgery said,but if they weren't concerned, to follow up sooner with him.  So... off to neurosurgery.  And THEY were concerned about the huge jump in Brenner's head size.  Brenner got an MRI.  It showed marked increases in the fluid spaces in his brain.  His brain was starting to "flatten out".  It was under pressure.  Brenner needed cranial-peritoneal shunts placed.  Because we were from out of town, they would admit us and do the surgery in the morning.  He would be safe to go the weekend and come back the beginning of the week to have it done if that worked better for me.  I decided to just stay (for a handful of reasons).  So we waited in the main lobby for 2 hours while they found us a room) and then we were admitted.  Brenner ended up going almost 24 hours without eating!  But he was so pleasant about it and the surgery went as well as could be expected.  His head already looks smaller to me.  I am hoping this makes it easier for him to lift his head and decreases the number of headaches he has.  We had to stay over night so Brenner could get 3 doses of IV antibiotics over 24 hours.  We are home now and trying to recoup.  We have follow-ups with the neurosurgeon in a month and with the neurologist in 2 months. 

Back to Denver

Brenner had 5 appointments at The Children's Hospital in Aurora Colorado.  We left here Wednesday around 9 AM.  The van started having problems just outside Cheyenne Wyoming around 11 AM.  After a quick evaluation and being told the van was not safe to drive to Denver, I rented a car and we got back on the interstate.  We were about 20 minutes late to our opthamology appointment, but I had called them around 11:45 and they said they would work us in when we got there.  Unfortunately, the news was not so great.  Brenner still has macular boat hemorrhages in both eyes.  Generally, hemorrhages reabsorb in 2-4 weeks.  It's been 4 weeks.  They want to see us back in 1-2 weeks (our appointment is April 2nd).  If the blood clots are still there, we have to go see the retina specialist to see if they can do surgery to remove them.

This morning was a little crazy.  I had been up a couple times during the night with the boys.  Grandma had gotten up with them in the morning so I could get some sleep.  They were all taken care of and happy, so Grandma got in the shower.  Within minutes, they were not just fussing, but screaming.  So, Mom was up anyway.  They have a favorite lambie toy (pictured here).  I had to make them both bottles so I positioned them so they both could see lambie.  Darius was rather perturbed by that.  But it kept Brenner happy long enough for me to get bottles made.

The last couple days have been a reminder for me that we are in it for the long haul.  Brenner has been sad and startling easy for "no real reason".  As things heal, they are going to be changing and even that is going to be hard for him.  But then this morning he was smiling and cooing at me again and I know no matter what, we are going to make it to the other side of this.

Feeding

We have to add thickener to Brenner's formula.  It has no caloric value, so essentially it dilutes the formula.  So we have to mix the formula 26 calories per oz and then add the thickener .  The formula comes out honey consistency.  Brenner has to drink it through a fast flow nipple.  There was concern he would get tired and not get enough nutrition.  But, being my son, Brenner has had no trouble what so ever and is plowing through bottles like a champ.  In fact, he has gained a pound since we left the hospital.

First follow-up

We saw Brenner's pediatrician today.  Brenner was 13 lbs 10 oz. and 24 1/2 inches.  His heart and lungs sounded great.  His pediatrician was happy with his progress.  He reminded me that everything really is wait and see for now until Brenner is about a year old and then we would know more what effects this may have had.  He also made me feel reassured that Brenner is basically going to be like an older kid with a concussion, only he can't verbalize how he feels to me.  He may have headaches, be dizzy, irritable, changes in appetite.  It made me feel better about giving him Tylenol before bed or when he seemed to be crying in pain.  It's amazing to have so many people supporting us in so many different ways.

Now what?

So we are home,so... now what?

I had to meet with Brenner and Darius's case worker. Things are mostly wrapped up as far as child protective services is concerned. Nathan is still in jail and the investigation by the police is so much as over. There is no concern with me caring for the boys- they are not in the custody of the state, etc. But they have to cross all their T's and dot all their I's. So we are waiting to hear on that. And there is most likely going to be a long legal process with Nathan. And I am not looking forward to going through all of that. We live in a town of only approximately 20,000 people... and all that that implies. I go back to work Wednesday. Grandma will be watching the boys when I am there.

Brenner has follow-up appointments back in Aurora with orthopedics, neurology, neurosurgery and opthomology in a month. We have a follow-up swallow study in 3 months. We follow-up with rehab in 6 months. Early intervention services will be contacting us soon to set up monthly services to make sure Brenner is getting help with physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and vision training as needed. Everything right now is "wait and see". The neurosurgeons told me that the brain is not done developing until you are 25 years old, so the full effects of this will not be known until Brenner is a young adult.

I feel like I am in the eye of a storm clinging to my kids, watching everything swirling and flying around us- everything in our lives up in the air. The thought of the future more than days or even hours ahead petrifies me so I continue on an hour at a time, just doing what is necessary to make it to the next hour to figure out where we go from there.

Brenner (and Darius and I) have been blessed beyond measure by the faith and prayers of family, friends and strangers alike. We feel the love and positive energy of literally thousands of people, coming together in support of our tiny family. Our thanks can never be enough, but you have it, all of you. A good thought, a prayer, a monetary contribution, spreading awareness about non-accidental trauma (shaken baby syndrome) in infants, a card, a positive word- ALL mean the world to us right now and we appreciate you all!

Home again, home again...

My parents came to pick us up from the hospital. Darius and Brenner got to be together again! It was so amazing to see them reach for each other and coo at each other. We had a 3 1/2 hour drive home. It felt like 10 hours. But we finally made it. And it was so nice to have our own environment again.

Grumbly in my tumbly

Once Brenner was breathing on his own, we were moved out of ICU to the 8th floor. Brenner got to try bottle feeding, but showed signs of aspiration within several hours. He lost his bottle privileges and had to go to just tube feedings. They started him slow and worked him up to an ounce an hour. We had to wait the whole holiday weekend until the swallow team returned to work on Tuesday to have a swallow evaluation done. The swallow study showed that Brenner aspirated thin and nectar thick liquids. He was safe enough with honey thick liquids to do a feeding trial. So back to the floor we went. Brenner was a warrior! He knocked those bottles out one after another. Now it looked like we were going home.

Wowzers...

At one point Brenner needed all of these IV pumps... sedation, antacids, fluids.

Miraculous progress

We met so many parents in the PICU who were in the same position we were in- they were looking at loosing a little loved one. And the remarkable thing about that is that it seemed to create an amazing bond. We were all praying for each other's kids- crying together and looking for the daily update. Some days there wasn't any good news and other days there was some good news. And then came our day for good news! Brenner was getting his breathing tube removed. There was no guaruntee it would stay out. There was no guaruntee if it stayed out that he wouldn't need something called CPAP or oxygen by nasal cannula. God was still with our little Brenner. The tube came out. Brenner was breathing just fine on his own and only needed 1 liter of oxygen by nasal cannula. And within a few hours, he didn't even need that.

Brenner needed an EEG. (Notice the attractive gauze turbin on Brenner in this pic.) He would be monitored for 48 hours. It was protocol for all TBI (traumatic brain injury) kids to get 48 hours of EEG monitoring because seizures were common. Once again, we were blessed beyond measure. Brenner had irritability, but no seizures. He was on preventative seizure medication and would have to go home on it.

Tragedy...

I was at work on Monday February 13th. Nathan called around 1:30 PM. The charge nurse found me in the educator's office. I called home immediately. Nathan told me Brenner had stopped breathing and was at the ER. I ran downstairs. My boss drove to get Nathan and Darius from our house. Within minutes Nathan was at the ER and the doctors had discovered Brenner had bleeding in his brain and a broken clavicle. Within just a couple more minutes, police, investigators and child protective services were at the hospital. We were told Brenner was going to die. We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and believe that men in our church who are living worthily can exercise the power of God in the name of Jesus Christ. My dad gave Brenner a blessing of healing in Jesus' name and that's when it all started to change. He was flown to The Children's Hospital in Aurora, Co. and his outlook was much more positive. He was admitted to ICU, on a ventilator and sedated. And the police investigation continued. By Wednesday, the police had arrested Nathan for child abuse.

How it began...

We were blessed on 11/21/11 with two beautiful little boys- Darius and Brenner. Any parent who has had a new baby knows how stressful it is. Any parent of multiples knows it's just all the more stressful! We were in a very stressful situation as I had lost my job being on modified duty/ bed rest with the pregnancy for more than the 12 weeks protected by FMLA. I suffered for a month of searching our area for a job and not finding anything. And then I found a great job 10 hours away. We were blessed that it was 5 minutes from my parents. So I took the job and we moved...