And then the stuff really hit the fan...

Brenner had an EEG which was normal (YAY!!!!).  His neurologist said we could wean him off his seizure med (YAY!!!!!!).  He was concerned about the big increase in Brenner's head size.  He said to see what neurosurgery said,but if they weren't concerned, to follow up sooner with him.  So... off to neurosurgery.  And THEY were concerned about the huge jump in Brenner's head size.  Brenner got an MRI.  It showed marked increases in the fluid spaces in his brain.  His brain was starting to "flatten out".  It was under pressure.  Brenner needed cranial-peritoneal shunts placed.  Because we were from out of town, they would admit us and do the surgery in the morning.  He would be safe to go the weekend and come back the beginning of the week to have it done if that worked better for me.  I decided to just stay (for a handful of reasons).  So we waited in the main lobby for 2 hours while they found us a room) and then we were admitted.  Brenner ended up going almost 24 hours without eating!  But he was so pleasant about it and the surgery went as well as could be expected.  His head already looks smaller to me.  I am hoping this makes it easier for him to lift his head and decreases the number of headaches he has.  We had to stay over night so Brenner could get 3 doses of IV antibiotics over 24 hours.  We are home now and trying to recoup.  We have follow-ups with the neurosurgeon in a month and with the neurologist in 2 months. 

Back to Denver

Brenner had 5 appointments at The Children's Hospital in Aurora Colorado.  We left here Wednesday around 9 AM.  The van started having problems just outside Cheyenne Wyoming around 11 AM.  After a quick evaluation and being told the van was not safe to drive to Denver, I rented a car and we got back on the interstate.  We were about 20 minutes late to our opthamology appointment, but I had called them around 11:45 and they said they would work us in when we got there.  Unfortunately, the news was not so great.  Brenner still has macular boat hemorrhages in both eyes.  Generally, hemorrhages reabsorb in 2-4 weeks.  It's been 4 weeks.  They want to see us back in 1-2 weeks (our appointment is April 2nd).  If the blood clots are still there, we have to go see the retina specialist to see if they can do surgery to remove them.

This morning was a little crazy.  I had been up a couple times during the night with the boys.  Grandma had gotten up with them in the morning so I could get some sleep.  They were all taken care of and happy, so Grandma got in the shower.  Within minutes, they were not just fussing, but screaming.  So, Mom was up anyway.  They have a favorite lambie toy (pictured here).  I had to make them both bottles so I positioned them so they both could see lambie.  Darius was rather perturbed by that.  But it kept Brenner happy long enough for me to get bottles made.

The last couple days have been a reminder for me that we are in it for the long haul.  Brenner has been sad and startling easy for "no real reason".  As things heal, they are going to be changing and even that is going to be hard for him.  But then this morning he was smiling and cooing at me again and I know no matter what, we are going to make it to the other side of this.

Feeding

We have to add thickener to Brenner's formula.  It has no caloric value, so essentially it dilutes the formula.  So we have to mix the formula 26 calories per oz and then add the thickener .  The formula comes out honey consistency.  Brenner has to drink it through a fast flow nipple.  There was concern he would get tired and not get enough nutrition.  But, being my son, Brenner has had no trouble what so ever and is plowing through bottles like a champ.  In fact, he has gained a pound since we left the hospital.

First follow-up

We saw Brenner's pediatrician today.  Brenner was 13 lbs 10 oz. and 24 1/2 inches.  His heart and lungs sounded great.  His pediatrician was happy with his progress.  He reminded me that everything really is wait and see for now until Brenner is about a year old and then we would know more what effects this may have had.  He also made me feel reassured that Brenner is basically going to be like an older kid with a concussion, only he can't verbalize how he feels to me.  He may have headaches, be dizzy, irritable, changes in appetite.  It made me feel better about giving him Tylenol before bed or when he seemed to be crying in pain.  It's amazing to have so many people supporting us in so many different ways.

Now what?

So we are home,so... now what?

I had to meet with Brenner and Darius's case worker. Things are mostly wrapped up as far as child protective services is concerned. Nathan is still in jail and the investigation by the police is so much as over. There is no concern with me caring for the boys- they are not in the custody of the state, etc. But they have to cross all their T's and dot all their I's. So we are waiting to hear on that. And there is most likely going to be a long legal process with Nathan. And I am not looking forward to going through all of that. We live in a town of only approximately 20,000 people... and all that that implies. I go back to work Wednesday. Grandma will be watching the boys when I am there.

Brenner has follow-up appointments back in Aurora with orthopedics, neurology, neurosurgery and opthomology in a month. We have a follow-up swallow study in 3 months. We follow-up with rehab in 6 months. Early intervention services will be contacting us soon to set up monthly services to make sure Brenner is getting help with physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and vision training as needed. Everything right now is "wait and see". The neurosurgeons told me that the brain is not done developing until you are 25 years old, so the full effects of this will not be known until Brenner is a young adult.

I feel like I am in the eye of a storm clinging to my kids, watching everything swirling and flying around us- everything in our lives up in the air. The thought of the future more than days or even hours ahead petrifies me so I continue on an hour at a time, just doing what is necessary to make it to the next hour to figure out where we go from there.

Brenner (and Darius and I) have been blessed beyond measure by the faith and prayers of family, friends and strangers alike. We feel the love and positive energy of literally thousands of people, coming together in support of our tiny family. Our thanks can never be enough, but you have it, all of you. A good thought, a prayer, a monetary contribution, spreading awareness about non-accidental trauma (shaken baby syndrome) in infants, a card, a positive word- ALL mean the world to us right now and we appreciate you all!

Home again, home again...

My parents came to pick us up from the hospital. Darius and Brenner got to be together again! It was so amazing to see them reach for each other and coo at each other. We had a 3 1/2 hour drive home. It felt like 10 hours. But we finally made it. And it was so nice to have our own environment again.